Tuesday, June 10, 2008

You Want To Date My Daughter?

APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and
current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________ ________ CITY/STATE___________ Z IP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: ________________________________________
_____________________
__________________________________________________ ___________________

Number of years they have been married _____________________________
If less than your age, explain
__________________________________________________ _________________

__________________________________________________ __________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring,
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?

__________________________ _ ___________________________________

__________________________________________________ ____________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?

__________________________________________________ ____________

__________________________________________________ ____________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend __________________________________________________ _

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father? _____________

Mother? __________ _ __

Pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:

__________________________________________________ ____________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

__________________________________________________ ____________

C: A woman's place is in the:

__________________________________________________ ____________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

__________________________________________________ ____________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

__________________________________________________ ____________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

__________________________________________________ ____________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


______________________________ ___________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

__________________ ____ _________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi/Bishop State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try
to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you
injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two
gentleman wearing black suits, red ties and carrying violin cases. (you
might watch your back) To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules
for Dating.

Dad's Rules for Dating
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a
package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two :
You do not touch my DAUGHTER in front of me. You may glance at her, so
long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my DAUGHTER's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their
hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your
friends are complete freaking idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open
minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to
the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big ,
and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do
not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my DAUGHTER, I
will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in
place to your waist




Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a
'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it
comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other,
we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an
indication of when you expect to have my DAUGHTER safely back at my
house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early '
and 'yes Sir".

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
DAUGHTER. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you
will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If
you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, at Parade Rest, waiting for my
daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and
fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be
dating. My DAUGHTER is putting on her makeup, a process than can take
longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing
there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my
car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my DAUGHTER:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,
holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is
warm enough to induce my DAUGHTER to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff
T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down
parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual
themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay. Old folk's homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my DAUGHTER, I am the
all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are
going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five
acres behind the house, Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over an Iraqi
wadi near Bagdad. When my Hooah nerve starts acting up, the voices in my
head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
DAUGHTER home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the
car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my DAUGHTER home safely
and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come
inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.



3 comments:

bestfamily said...

OMG! That is freakin hilarious Tab!

TONYA said...

LMAO. That's hilarious Tab. I've saved it for Randy, he'll get a kick out of it.

Terri O'Laughlin said...

Love the application!! BTW..I just tagged you!! Come read my blog...Tag, you're it!!